Way-too-full-time-job

Seriously...

Recently I've been having headaches and just now I am starting to realise why. Simply that I have, not just one but several, way-too-full-time-jobs. It just fucks with my head that the 28th is my first day off in whole of September. Not to mention the meager 3 days without at least 5-6 hours work that I was allowed to cherish in August. Summing up: IHLIA, YouAct, OIYP, PIC, etc. I'm losing track myself actually. It was easier to deal with it not knowing and just taking it on day by day, there is a reason I don't have an agenda of 2007 and just use a stack of notes for upcoming days, it makes it all seem less because the overview is lost.

A solution of just not working so much is difficult. After a while I the mind goes numb and I must admit a certain lack in common sense because of it. I guess denial is the first stage of this vicious circle. The second stage is just adrenaline and endorfines and other hormones that keep rushing in your body because of the stress. Lack of judgment keeps me from taking proper lunches or dinners resulting in a further decline of proper judgment... And there we are, an addiction to rival a crack addict. I am in need for Workaholics Anonymous.

Anyways, I guess it is not all that dramatic. Relieve will come soon in the form of my amazing Korean friends in October when I'll be in Korea again for three weeks after more 15 months of absinth (freudian slip... I mean absence of course). Though there are times I just want to smash my head into the computer screen in front of me, hoping that the shards of the monitor will jam into my forehead giving me a blissfull peace. Unfortunatly even that is taken away from me as they replaced all screens with flat-screens that are not strong enough to even just knock me out for an hour or so, but just break down and only supply me with a very bad headache.

20 years Remembrance

www.homomonument.nl

"Naar vriendschap zulk een mateloos verlangen"

"For friendship such an endless desire"

Jacob Israël De Haan (1881-1924)

On September 5th, 1987, history was written with the unveiling of the first "gay monument" in the world "to inspire and suport homosexual men and women in their struggle against denial, oppression and discrimination." It is placed on the Westermarkt in Amterdam, around the corner of the Anna Frankhouse. Funded partially by restoration funds for homosexuals in WOII, it's still the biggest and most visible monument specifically for gay people in the world. For 20 years it is a symbol of hope, recognition, acceptance,... Maybe not just for gay and lesbians, but all those who love differently.

The monument was designed by Karin Daan and consists of three equilateral triangles made of pink granite that are connected by an inlaid band. This band creates a fourth, larger equilateral triangle. One of the triangles is situated on the edge of the Keizersgracht and protrudes into the canal. This triangle has a set of steps that leads from the street and narrows to create a point that is suspended above the water. The point of this triangle, which symbolises the present, faces the National War Memorial on Dam Square in the centre of Amsterdam. The second triangle, which is raised sixty centimetres above the ground and doubles as a podium, symbolises the future. Daan placed the third triangle between the paving stones. It points to the Anne Frank House and is the "memorial" that symbolises the past. A line from a poem is engraved in this stone: "Naar vriendschap zulk een mateloos verlangen" ("For Friendship such an endless desire"), from the poem, "To a Young Fisherman" by Jacob Israël De Haan.

Amsterdam Pride (and Prejudice...)

Amsterdam Gay Pride, 1-4 August 2007

I've never really understood Gay Pride in Amsterdam. I mean, there are things to like (it's an nice party in the end, lots of visibility and a chance to take that queer looking outfit out of the closet) and things not to like (it's a nice party mostly for gay men, and mostly gay men who are visible and who are wearing the outfits), but there is something more to it I sometimes feel. Every time there is this huge fight... if it's not between the lesbians and gay men, it's between the city and the organizers, and if need the organizers will just organize the fight among themselves and the different partners to ensure the fight to happen. This year I didn't hear much fighting between the partners (Gay Business Amsterdam and the rest) but mostly between the city and the organizers. The issue at hand: the fact that during pride weekend there was also a football tournament and the expectation of lots of young handsome men that might not be so nice to all the pink stuff happening (aka homophobic hooligans).

Sometimes I honestly don't know what to be proud about during Amsterdam Pride. Just a look at the boots in the Canal Parade: ING bank, Job agencies, Television stations that never screen anything related to LGBT, Insurance companies,... Are we being proud of consumerism? No offense, we all consume, but this cashing into LGBT community just shows that Gay Pride here is more about companies promoting themselves in boots far out-decorating the gay and lesbian organizations and bars thanks to their budget than it is about a movement striving to make a change. Apart from that I feel there should be more to a "Pride Parade" than just gay men half naked on boats with only half a message attached to the nudity...

Closing... Closure

It's a strange feeling, aproaching closure, and maybe with that new beginning?

I've had my main bottom-surgery, decided not to have top-surgery. Maybe a small corrective surgery later this year, but that's not sure yet, and no big deal actually. A new law in Belgium has made it easier to change my gender on my birthcertificate (or in my case the transfer certificate cause of my adoption, not sure what it is called) and my first name.

I had to get a visa for Australia and dug up my passport for that, it's like looking at the passport of a stranger. Sure enough I am so used to being He-Jin that my old name and gender-registration feel so distant and vague. Sure enough I feel strangely distant from the surgery that I had only recently, almost as if it had happened three years ago instead of three months. Soon, no pills anymore, just 6 monthly injections for hormones. So I guess soon it'll be over (as far as something like this can be over), it's taken 6 years of my life... And to be honest, 6 years ago I thought I'd feel different.

When something's been a driving force for such a long time, when it's no longer needed and it fades away so quick, it leaves you feeling empty. Strange how that goes, henna? Anyways, already when I had surgery and got out of the hospital it seemed that others were more excited about my surgery than I was myself. For me, I've always been me, and the physical change didn't affect my feeling that much. It just gave me a little wisper "it's over, you can start living on your own now."

New tattoo!

난 새로운 타투 있어!

I have a new tattoo!



I love it, just down-left of my left breast, accentuating my breast! Yes vanity is my favourite sin.