Gonna shock me some Koreans!

So, counting down, 7 days and I'm on a plane to Korea. Everyone has been asking me what I'm gonna do there, and I can't really answer them. Except that I'm gonna go and shock me some Koreans, kissing queer gals in the subway during rushhour and other assorted things. When I planned this entire moving-to-Korea thing, my plan kinda ended with stepping on that plane there.

But now I know what I actually will be doing the first weekend there! I have a plan stretching at least 5 days after my arrival! I am plan-gal and damn proud about it! Usually I am more making-it-up-along-the-way-gal...

So da plan: Arrive, drop of my baggage at a friends, and meet up with a bunch of gals for this queer women's camp, I guess it's sort of a lesbian MT without actual formal membership. After that... you I guess I'd be back to making it up along the way.

Leaving on a jetplane...

"Tomorrow I am leaving on a jet plane and by the time I get to Phoenix love will keep us together, ...'Cause I'm just an embryo, with a long, long way to go, but I know too much to go back and pretend!..."

- Hedwig and the Angry Inch, (1999 stage)

Well I'm not going to phoenix, pretty much in the opposite direction (Seoul), and no loving waiting there as far as I know. At least not the girly boy love, some friendships and some people I care a lot about and truely love, and sex, definitly sex waiting over there. Whatever, I just love that line from Hedwig stage performance, which by the way I like better than the film adaptation.

So... leaving on a jetplane, don't know when I'll be back again, quite literally. I made the step I've been telling everyone for over a year. I've packed up my vagina and I'm gone! (or stole my vagina from Dutch health insurance policy, if you will). Some call me stupid, others call me insane, guess I'm just bold. No idea where I'll live, if I'll have an income, if I'll ever regain my sanity or not end up on the streets forever lost. Well I'm being dramatic, things just seem like it.

Guess I'll figure things out on the run...

Closing... Closure

It's a strange feeling, aproaching closure, and maybe with that new beginning?

I've had my main bottom-surgery, decided not to have top-surgery. Maybe a small corrective surgery later this year, but that's not sure yet, and no big deal actually. A new law in Belgium has made it easier to change my gender on my birthcertificate (or in my case the transfer certificate cause of my adoption, not sure what it is called) and my first name.

I had to get a visa for Australia and dug up my passport for that, it's like looking at the passport of a stranger. Sure enough I am so used to being He-Jin that my old name and gender-registration feel so distant and vague. Sure enough I feel strangely distant from the surgery that I had only recently, almost as if it had happened three years ago instead of three months. Soon, no pills anymore, just 6 monthly injections for hormones. So I guess soon it'll be over (as far as something like this can be over), it's taken 6 years of my life... And to be honest, 6 years ago I thought I'd feel different.

When something's been a driving force for such a long time, when it's no longer needed and it fades away so quick, it leaves you feeling empty. Strange how that goes, henna? Anyways, already when I had surgery and got out of the hospital it seemed that others were more excited about my surgery than I was myself. For me, I've always been me, and the physical change didn't affect my feeling that much. It just gave me a little wisper "it's over, you can start living on your own now."

B-day

Today I'm hitting 23.

Young to some, old to others. And I'm spending today without a party, but with a pussy. I guess I can't have everything.

어늘은 제 생일이에요. 지금 저는 만 스물세살이에요! 많이 선물을 주세요.

My vagina

My vagina... well it will look okay once it is healed, at least from what I see and hear from the doc.

For all of you that have been wondering how things have been the last seven days, here's the story:

Thursday, sleepy and bit stressed I thought it was more convenient to take the bus to the hospital than bike given that I wouldn't be biking home afterwards. Being a bit chaotic in packing my stuff (I managed to forgot pyamas, shampoo and toothpaste) I was already somewhat late, additionally I had no clue what so ever how long the trip was from my house to the hospital on public transport, since I usually bike. And of coruse I "forgot" that I didn't have a "strippenkaart" (the dutch variant of the public transport payment method), and not enough cash on me. Rushing to the ATM I found it none operational... Okay I was late... no worries since mostly I was bored out of my skull waiting in the hospital for several checks.

Friday, nervous and tired, since I didn't sleep at all despite the sleeping pills. I was scheduled for 8:30 AM I was told, so was fixed up (shower, shaving, pre-meds, the cute little blue weirdies they make you wear, ...) and rolled with bed and all to the roof. Yes the roof, okay that sounds really stupid but let me explain: The surgery rooms were due for renovation, so temporarily they flew in fully operational state of the art surgery-room-containers, no biggie, don't even notice that they're containers let alone they're on the roof. Nevertheless: I got surgery on the roof of the hospital. Anyways, back to the story, there was a mistake in the schedule apparently and I was taken back to my room and had to wait for another three hours. By that time I was so nervous that I cause an earthquake when I was rolled back into surgery shaking. Luckely the assistant-nurse person gave me something to calm down before she inserted the infuse or she would have missed the vane. Her words: "This stuff just feels like a good drink, you'll relax". That's where my memory ended that day...
Oh, for the record: yes I shaved myself.

Saturday, sunday, monday... they all can be shorted easily into pain-fever-dizzy-pain. On top of that I wasn't allowed out of bed at all, and wasn't allowed to eat... I survived on astronaut liquid chemical stuff, ulllhhhggggg!!! Anyways, basically I slept a lot, got lots of painkillers, had nurses and doctors check stuff between my legs (is a lot more boring than it sounds, sometimes painfull but not in a fun way).

Tuesday, I was allowed two biscuits!!! Jeeeeezzzz, never ever thought they would taste that damn good! they were dry, and bit old maybe, but they were the best two biscuits I ever had in my life!

Wednesday, they removed a lot of bandages, tubes, etc. and after some cleaning up it actually looked sort of like the end result, I mean I could imagine it would look like after the swelling would go away (which is a slow process so have to be patient, very very patient) I went out in the evening, to a friends house for a while.

That's where I am right now. Things are pretty okay, still pain but manageble, still exhausted easily but my friend does the house stuff. Surgery went well, took longer than expected, had some blood of someone else pumped into me, but all in all, it's all well.

Now all I need to think of a name ^^;

My future vagina...

My future vagina...

Well, it'll be soon. 13th of April, Dr. Niessen at the VU Medical Centre in Amsterdam will give me my (early) B-day present: vaginoplasty, a vagina, a cunt, a pussy, 보지, un colis, 보지... Oh yeah!

Anyways, let me just give some context to my future snatch.

Once upon a time, there was a little girl, that wanted a vagina. 5 years ago she enrolled at a gender clinic to get it, 5 fucking years... indeed that's how long this gal had to wait. Worthwhile? maybe, but sooner 'ld been better.

This girl didn't think having an oversized clitoris and no vaginal opening disqualified her as a genuine female specimen, a fine female specimen she has always been, a pussy wouldn't make her even more genuine, or better, or perfect. No pussy would let her play nice, let her be penetrated by fingers, tongue, by vibrators, by dildo's, strapped-on or held by bitches who'd know how to get it right. A pussy would let her be naked, on beaches, in bathhouses, in many other places for sure, without feeling ... somewhat shy. Realising fully that her shyness wouldn't necessarily disappear when having a cunt, it would at least make her feel more comfortable with herself.

A funny note:
When I went for the first consultation some weeks ago, this Dr. Niessen asked me: Are you going to have sex with it? ... Silence ... While in my head a little voice sarcastically remarked: No, I'm gonna use it as a storage compartement for my mobile phone, you dork!
Well, I didn't say that out loud of course, since I do want to be on friendly footing with him. I'm sure he's mature and won't do a louze job out of sheer spite for my bitchy attitude, but still...